Being Lost Getting Found

I have this large leaver arch folder into which I organised all my writing years ago when I first had the idea to get this finished. And over the years the folder has moved shelves, gone places and been carried to may jobs with eh idea that I will work on it during lunchtime.

And, you've guessed correctly, those plans never worked out.

Which is why we are both here.

And, you guess correctly again, I have lost that enormous folder but doing my usual trick of 'putting it away safe'.

And everything that I have hand-written or printed up to this point is gone.

Initially I was simply cross with myself, or angry to the point I want to slap myself which is usually how self-criticism feels to me. Then I panicked. The inward butterflies put on their wing accessories and thump around in my chest causing everything in the vicinity to ache.

And all that went on for a couple of days accompanied by some frantic searching to no avail.

Then I gave up.

And I realised that there is a freedom in giving up, letting go and being lost

This novel of mine has travelled with me through 37 years of my life on this earth. It is ingrained into the marrow of my soul. I know the tale intimately.

So why do I need the folder?

Anxiety tells me I do as there is bound to be some wonderful, insightful piece of prose in that folder that will elevate my writing and make this a best seller.

This time next here HBO will be fighting for the tv rights.

Then I remember the drivel that is in that folder too. The muses of a young abused girl who had no idea how or what life was.

In a way it is a blessing to be free of her.

I've carried her for so long and the weight of that young girl is becoming too much to bear.

This story has taught me a difficult life lesson.

You have to let go.

The girl that hated her home and hated her parents is now the woman who sees her parents getting older and is in tears when one of them has a medical wobble.

So, I am letting go.

I am going to just carry on writing as I am and see where that takes me.

So far it has been motivating and rewarding.

We all need to get lost sometimes.

Photo by Dyu - Ha on Unsplash