Where did you go..?

Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash

..on that BIG BLACK NIGHT? Did you take the coast road back through your life?

I have been away and that is mainly because I have been on a dark road back through my life. The words aren't mine, they are too good, they belong to I am Kloot in a song called Northern Skies. It is a song by a band that I had never know of and a song I had never heard. It must have been playing somewhere and my subconscious picked up that line. I do that a lot. I find words skip through my mind and some just stick. And then invariably I find myself googling a half-remembered lyric and wading through Tube until I find the dong and the band and hope that Apple Music has them (whatever they would like you to believe they do not have every song in the universe.)

The coast road leads me back to some uncomfortable reasons of why I started this and probably why I am having trouble in finishing.

I am not who I was then.

I am not the little girl who believed she could do nothing right and that there was never a way out for her; that she was unloved and unlovable, useless and surplus.

It's true I did feel that way. And although we grow and move on from our childhoods the experience, we have molds the adult we become and, if we are unlucky, those memories will occasionally hit us full face and leave us winded and weeping as if we were back there.

We do time travel in our memories. Whilst we may not physically be there and see those things, we will smell the smells, hear the words in the voices that they were spoken, and at once be that person again. Words are the most powerful weapon we have they can cause harm long after the wound has healed, and the stitches have been removed.

Some of the words I read are the words of that child trying to make sense of her world and not knowing who to turn to.

So, the princess became the embodiment of how I wanted my life to be. I wanted to grow up to be independent of everything and everyone, To no need anyone.

I used to say to people that I don't like compliments as you can't defend yourself against them. Usually, that would result in a puzzled look as many people think that you should not have to defend yourself against a compliment.

But in my mind, I was always looking for the. angle, the knife behind the back or the hidden trap.

I wasn't complimented much as a child, I didn't know how to deal with compliments let alone accept them. But I am getting better.

So, to write this story the way it was intended I need to go back to the girl who felt so worthless and write it through her eyes and with her soul.

It terrifies me.